Men+Are+from+Mars,+Women+Are+from+Venus

=Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus =

//**Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus**//  is a book written by Dr. John Gray, first published in April 1992. It discusses the d ifferences between mal es and females and how those differences affect relationships. The book emphasizes the way in which men and women communicate and show emotion. Many of the subjects discussed are referenced throughout pop culture. The title of the book is often used in common language as a quick way to describe gender differences. It has sold over fifty million copies and is printed in fifty different languages worldwide (MarsVenus.com, 2011).  ===**Subjects** === ====**Communication** ==== The most prominent example cited is that of the way in which men and women react when faced with problems or stressful situations. Gray (1992) says that men tend to keep to themselves and internalize their issues (or go to their “caves”), while women are inclined to discuss the problem with friends or confidants. In other words, “Men argue for the right to be free while women argue for the right to be upset.” Even if the discussion does not help them solve the problem, it helps them sort it out and often leaves them feeling better. Gray (1992) believes women should not offer men advice, stating “[t]o offer a man unsolicited advice is to presume that he doesn’t know what to do or that he can’t do it on his own.” The idea that genders re act differently to stress has been proven mostly correct by neuroscientists. One study scanned the brains of several men and women and found that blood flow when stressed differs by gender. (ScienceDaily.com, 2008). The idea that men and women “speak different languages” is often credited to Dr. Gray. He says that men speak literally, saying exactly what they mean, while women tend to mask or disguise what they might intend, often creating misunderstandings (Gray, 1992). He suggests that when women are discussing their problems with their husbands, the husbands should provide constant reassurance of his love and sympathy for her.  ====**Points System** ==== Gray (1992) advocates couples using a point system to display their attempts of loving one another. In the system, different points are given for different levels of kind or helpful acts. The more affection that is shown, the more points a man or woman will receive from their spouse. Gray says that women appreciate the accumulation of many small acts rather than one or few large acts, while men believe they should do the opposite as in, they should buy their wives one large item a few times a year (Gray, 1992). He speculates that many women keep an internal point system that is not shared publicly with their husbands. ====**Neediness** ==== Much of the book discusses the concept of neediness in marriages. Gray believes that men like to feel that they are needed by their spouse, but don’t want to feel as if their wife has “neediness”. He explains (Gray, 1992): “'Needing' is openly reaching out and asking for support from a man in a trusting manner, one that assumes that he will do his best. This empowers him. 'Neediness,' however, is desperately needing support because you don’t trust you will get it. It pushes men away and makes them feel rejected and unappreciated." He explains that being needed gives men a purpose and a reason to live. Not being needed is a “slow death for man” (Gray, 1992). He believes that women receive similar joy and empowerment from feeling cherished by their husbands.  ===**Success** === The book has been very commercially successful, having sold between twenty million and fifty million copies worldwide. The book’s website claims it as the best-selling book of the 1990s (MarsVenus.com, 2011). It’s popularity gained appearances by Dr. John Gray on Oprah, Good Morning America, and a number of popular TV shows and has allowed the author to become a widely cited self-help and marital-help “guru”. Dr. Gray has written a number of other books with similar themes of self-help and marital advice as well as putting on self-improvement seminars and classes across the country. ===<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #000000; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 14pt; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">**Criticism** === <span style="background-color: transparent; color: #000000; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Despite the book’s commercial success, it has received heavy criticism from psychological, marital and relationship experts, many of whom contend that relationships are much more complicated than any point system or simple analogy can state. Many believe that the book reinforces negative stereotypes and ideas of self worth and in some cases does more harm than good. For example, research has found that shared power and responsibility is present in most “happy” marriages (Zimmerman, 2001). This is counter to Gray’s idea that men and women should embrace their differences and divide power. An article in the //Journal of Marital and Family Therapy// cited the book as containing “inaccurate and potentially detrimental material (Zimmerman, 2001).” They believe the book’s success is not due to it’s helpful and powerful ideas. Instead, they say it “rings true” because the act and discussion of gender socialization is ubiquitous and a common topic of the time. The authors point to a survey in which nearly ninety percent of psychologists assign self-help books to their patients (Starker, 1989). The book’s popularity drives it’s sales, not it’s methods. They also state that many of the book’s readers believe Dr. Gray’s advice to be based on “research or established clinical principles” when in fact they are not. Author Tim Kellis (2009) says that the book often uses “circular logic” and doesn’t offer any real or practical solutions to the common marital issues discussed. He is also critical of Gray’s point system, saying that without understanding deeper differences, it will be very ineffective. Kellis believes that without the true understanding of why men and women are different (not only how they are different) any relationship advice is useless (Kellis, 2009).

===<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #000000; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 14pt; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">**References** === <span style="background-color: transparent; color: #000000; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Chopra, D. (2011). How Men Can Be Wise About Women. <span style="background-color: transparent; color: #000000; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">//Huffington Post// <span style="background-color: transparent; color: #000000; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. Retrieved from <span style="background-color: transparent; color: #000099; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">[|__http://www.huffingtonpost.com/deepak-chopra/gender-differences_b_838454.html__] <span style="background-color: transparent; color: #000000; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Gray, Dr. J. (1992). <span style="background-color: transparent; color: #000000; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">//Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus// <span style="background-color: transparent; color: #000000; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. Harper Collins. <span style="background-color: transparent; color: #000000; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> Gray, Dr. J (2011). Image. <span style="background-color: transparent; color: #000000; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">//MarsVenus.com// <span style="background-color: transparent; color: #000000; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. Retrieved from <span style="background-color: transparent; color: #000099; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">[|__http://www.marsvenus.com/xcart/product.php?productid=66&cat=4&page=1__] <span style="background-color: transparent; color: #000000; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Gray, Dr. J. (2011). <span style="background-color: transparent; color: #000000; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">//MarsVenus.com// <span style="background-color: transparent; color: #000000; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. Retrieved from [|http://www.marsvenus.com] <span style="background-color: transparent; color: #000000; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> Kellis, T. (2009). Critical Review of Men Are From Mars, Women Are from Venus by Dr. John Gray Book Review. <span style="background-color: transparent; color: #000000; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">//HappyMarriages.com// <span style="background-color: transparent; color: #000000; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. Retrieved from <span style="background-color: transparent; color: #000099; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">[|__http://happymarriages.com/?p=12__] <span style="background-color: transparent; color: #000000; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Men Are from Mars Institute (2007). Image. <span style="background-color: transparent; color: #000000; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">//MenAreFromMarsInstitute.com// <span style="background-color: transparent; color: #000000; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. Retrieved from <span style="background-color: transparent; color: #000099; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">[|__http://www.marsvenusinstitute.com/images/Approved_shot.jpg__] <span style="background-color: transparent; color: #000000; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Men Are from Mars: Neuroscientists Find That Men And Women React Differently To Stress (April 1, 2008). <span style="background-color: transparent; color: #000000; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">//ScienceDaily.com// <span style="background-color: transparent; color: #000000; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. Retrieved from <span style="background-color: transparent; color: #000099; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">[|__http://www.sciencedaily.com/videos/2008/0403-men_are_from_mars.htm__] <span style="background-color: transparent; color: #000000; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Zimmerman, T., [|Haddock, S.,]& McGeorge, C. (January 2001). Mars and Venus: Unequal Planets. <span style="background-color: transparent; color: #000000; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">//Journal of Marital and Family Therapy// <span style="background-color: transparent; color: #000000; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. Retrieved from <span style="background-color: transparent; color: #000099; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">[|__http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_qa3658/is_200101/ai_n8933054/__]