Flirting

= = = Flirting =

The Motivation
Presently, flirting is a common term that can encompass a wide variety of actions meant to indicate sexual interest in another or achieve more material goals. Because of the wide variety of ways people flirt, no two individuals are likely to flirt in precisely the same way: “Like any other language, flirting may be deployed in ways subtle or coarse, adolescent or suave. Nevertheless, it has evolved just like pheasant spurs and lion manes: to advertise ourselves to the opposite sex” (Rodgers, 1999). The way we flirt and the way respond to how others flirt with us depends on personal and biological preference: “Certain stances, personal styles, gestures, intimations of emotional compatibility, perhaps even odors, automatically arouse our interest because they not only instantly advertise genetic fitness but they match the template of Desired Mate we all carry in our mind's eye” (Rodgers, 1999). Much of the time, according to Arthur Aron, who is the professor of psychology at the State University of New York at Stony Brook, flirting “is a way of testing one’s mate-value and the possibility of alternatives—actually trying to see if someone might be available as an alternative,” (as cited in Luscombe, 2008). In fact, “flirting is nature's solution to the problem every creature faces in a world full of potential mates—how to choose the right one. We all need a partner who is not merely fertile but genetically different as well as healthy enough to promise viable offspring, provide some kind of help in the hard job of parenting and offer some social compatibility” (Rodgers, 1999). However, narrowing down the field is not the motivation for all flirting interactions.

Sometimes, people flirt with a goal in mind that is not attracting the sexual attentions of another person. Rather, flirting can also be used to gain things that have nothing to do with finding a mate: “Flirting is also emotional capital to be expended in return for something else. Not usually for money, but for the intangibles—a better table, a juicier cut of meat, the ability to return an unwanted purchase without too many questions. It's a handy social lubricant, reducing the friction of everyday transactions, and closer to a strategically timed tip than a romantic overture” (Luscombe, 2008). In other words, we use flirting to navigate the world in more ways than one.

How We Flirt
Though we may not be aware of it, if we are attracted to someone, chances are good that we giving off signals. Whitty (2004) lists seven different categories into which flirting behaviors could fall: Most of these behaviors can be described as nonverbal and can also be unconscious. According to Givens (1978), "face-to-face flirting behavior mostly consists of nonverbal signals especially in the early stages of relationships. Body language can signal attraction without the obviousness of the spoken word” (as cited in Whitty, 2004). However, while some nonverbal cues give us a chance to indicate interest in a way that is less risky to our self-image, this does not mean that we can forgo verbal aspects of flirting. Verbal flirting cues must eventually be present and are highly important. In fact, what a person says can be as eye-opening and crucial to attraction as what they indicate through body language: “Enter creativity, humor and intelligence. Deployed in flirting, they disclose more about an individual person than all the antlers do about leching animals” (Rodgers, 1999). Interestingly, however, not all cues mean the same things to the same people.
 * Kinetic: hair tossing, licking lips, mirroring behavior, smiling, laughing, giggling
 * Oculesics (eye movements): pupil dilation, demure glances, short daring glances, eyebrow flashes, eye contact
 * Physical appearance
 * Olfactic: wearing of perfume or aftershave
 * Vocalics: animated speech, laughter, increased warmth, fewer silences
 * Proxemics (persona distance): leaning forward
 * Haptics (use of touch): hand on the arm

Gender especially has been found to alter how people interpret certain cues. Women place emphasis on different aspects of attractiveness than men, and, in turn, women also emphasize different parts of their own features. Much of this difference comes down to biology, which requires that “women contribute their physical bodies, which should therefore indicate good health, youthfulness and fertility. In contrast, some of the important desirable characteristics for men include physical dominance and an ability to produce resources (e.g., social status, ambition and high income)” (Whitty, 2004). This explains why, while waist-to-hip ration may rank high on a man’s list, women’s lists often include factors based more on personality, such as dependability, kindness, and motivation.

Men vs. Women: Interpreting Cues
Unfortunately, the differences in flirting behaviors between genders can often lead to misunderstandings. According to a study by Henningsen, Kartch, Orr, & Brown (2009), “women employ more nonverbal tactics while men employ more verbal tactics in courtship related encounters.” Women’s tendency toward nonverbal cues, which are more ambiguous, can cause men to see sexual intent where there is none: “Men perceived more sexual interest than women did when a woman in an interaction displayed nonverbal flirting cues” (Henningsen et al., 2009). Verbal cues, on the other hand, offer less room for interpretation, since “the less freedom a receiver has to infer multiple meanings to that message” (Henningsen et al., 2009). Interestingly, when asked about an interaction in which verbal cues were used, men and women perceived similar levels of sexual intent.

Flirting Online
With more and more people moving their social lives online, it should come as no surprise that people have moved their love lives onto the Internet, and even their iPads, as well. As more people sign in to hook up, the language of flirting continues to change. According to Luscombe (2008), “since text and e-mail flirting can be done without having to look people in the eye, and is often done with speed, it is bolder, racier and unimpeded by moments of reflection on whether the message could be misconstrued or is wise to send at all.” In addition, flirting techniques that would usually be expressed by the body have found a new outlet through “emoticons, which are drawings made from punctuations symbols … Facial expressions such as smiley faces, winks and kisses as a substitute for body language” (Whitty, 2004). However, should people want to engage on a more literal face-to-face basis, webcams and apps increasingly offer them that chance. David Evans, editor of onlinedatingpost.com, “says there's also been talk of adding a facial-coding and eye-tracking function that would use a webcam on the iPad to refine suggested matches based on a member's responses to certain profiles. If you grimace, the profile will fade away; if you smile or if your pupils dilate, similar profiles will be suggested. In other words, some day there could be an iPad app for love at first sight” (as cited in Katmis, 2010). Despite advances in some areas, other things seem to stay the same. According to Whitty (2004), in chatrooms, men still emphasized their “education, occupation and income more than women,” and “women who rated their own appearance as above average or very good received more messages from men than the women who rated themselves as average.” What this suggests is that, at least in the dating game, the Internet does not obscure gender boundaries as well as we might think.