Monogamy

Lauren Jones = Monogamy = **What is Monogamy?** Monogamy is defined as marriage to or sexual partnering with only one other person (New World Encyclopedia, 2010). Other definitions include only marrying once in a lifetime, or the less limiting option of having one mate at a time (Merriam Webster Dictionary, n.d.). However, there are also different types of monogamy. The main types of monogamy are social monogamy, sexual monogamy, and genetic monogamy. Social monogamy refers to “a couple that lives together, has sex with one another, and cooperates in acquiring basic resources such as food and shelter” (New World Encyclopedia, 2010). This is most likely the way many people would define the word monogamy. Sexual monogamy is described as “a couple that remains sexually exclusive with one another and neither person has outside sex partners” (New World Encyclopedia, 2010). It is what many often call “being exclusive” in say, a friends-with-benefits type of situation. There is also genetic monogamy. This is defined as “two partners [who] only have offspring with one another, so that all the offspring raised by the pair are genetically related to each partner” (New World Encyclopedia, 2010). Lastly, there is serial monogamy. When a person is serially monogamous, they “have only one sexual partner at any one time, but have more than one sexual partner in their lifetime.” This type of monogamy is frequently seen in American culture.

**Who is monogamous?** Interestingly enough, there are many animals that engage in monogamous behaviors. According to the BBC (n.d.) “monogamous animals partner up with a single mate, sometimes for the duration of a breeding season and less commonly over multiple seasons and years.” Some animals that are monogamous are coyotes, meerkats, snow leopards, swans, pigeons, many penguins and owls, and the reptile shingleback skink to name a few; but the group with the largest number of monogamous species is birds. These certain animals find monogamous advantageous for several reasons, especially when the “young are more vulnerable and require both parents for protection and feeding” (BBC, n.d.). This is not only true for animals, but for many humans as well.

As far as humans go, those who are monogamous follow the monogamy guidelines as stated above. However, there are those who are ref erred to as “polyamorous” or who engage in “polygamy” as well as those who are sexually promiscuous. These people are all doing the exact opposite of what monogamous couples do by having multiple spouses or sexual partners both at a time and in their lifetime.

Monogamous couples and those who prefer a monogamous lifestyle range across age, race, religion, culture, sexuality, and the like. Those who are monogamous choose to be monogamous for their own reasons, including but not limited to protection against disease, to avoid incest and infanticide, to show love and trust, and for support with child rearing or finances among many other reasons.

**Problems with Sexual Communication in Couples** For those monogamous couples that are sexually monogamous, sexual communication is not always easy. A study surveying young couples, ages 18-25 found that these couples have a hard time agreeing on whether they are monogamous in their relationship or not. Often times, only one partner claims the couple agreed to be sexually exclusive (Oregon State University, 2011). This brings up the question of what kind of communication is going on in these couples, and why there is no agreement. Public health researchers say that “miscommunication and misunderstandings about sexual exclusivity appear to be common” (Oregon State University, 2011). With this miscommunication sometimes comes infidelity, and subsequently, the need for communication about safe sex practices in couples. This communication can be difficult on its own, but when there is no agreement on the monogamy of the relationship, the conversation becomes one that a couple may never have.

Additionally, the same result was true for married couples in this study. In fact, “couples with children were less likely to have a monogamy agreement in place” (Oregon State University, 2011). The study also found that commitment was the only factor related to monogamy (Oregon State University, 2011). Without this factor, there is still a high degree of risk in couples where monogamy has not been agreed upon and the communication about the safety risk as well as the fidelity of each partner is deficient.

**How Monogamous Couples Communicate Sexual Needs** Many couples have problems communicating their sexual needs and monogamous couples are no exception. In American culture, talking about sexual needs is difficult, because “we often learn early in life that sex is not an acceptable topic for conversation” (Crooks & Bauer, 1996). Sexual communication can also be difficult because of the risks involved, like becoming vulnerable to judgment, criticism and possibly rejection (Crooks & Bauer, 1996). A good way to communicate in monogamous relationships is to have open and clear communication, to share your past experiences, and to remember to be a good listener. This includes both verbal and non-verbal body language just like any other kind of communication including eye contact, providing feedback, and staying positive and supportive of each other (Crooks & Bauer, 1996).

The best way for a person to communicate their own needs is to use “I” statements explaining how that person feels about something, sexual or non sexual, and to also ask their partner what he or she likes in the same regard. Open-ended questions are a great tool for any kind of communication, sexual or otherwise, and criticism should be monitored and limited (Baugh & Humphries, 2010).

**Is a monogamous relationship best?** Monogamous relationships have their benefits and shortcomings, and though humans are thought to be monogamous creatures, this is not necessarily true. Associate professor Maryanne Fisher, Ph. D. (2011), finds that the link between happiness and monogamy is different for individuals, but is also broadly different between the sexes. Women have a stronger link between happiness and monogamy as women who have fewer sexual partners have been found to be happier than both virgins and women with a higher number of sex partners. In fact, the higher the number of sexual partners, the higher the likelihood of depression. Moreover, it has been found that in order to maximize happiness, a person should have just one sexual partner. However, not all of these findings have substantial proof and overall it should not be automatically assumed that sexual promiscuity leads to depression (Fisher, 2011). Nevertheless, when weighing the pros and cons of monogamy, one can see where this happiness would come from. Having the security, support, and reliability of another person to aid one’s mental, emotional and physical needs is a lot to consider. The additional help of raising a child who shares a couple’s genes and not having to worry about the risks non-monogamy can bring can aid peace of mind and are additional supporting factors. However, everyone is different, and lifestyle preferences do not always match. The idea of being tied down to one person is less than desirable to many people and those who do not favor monogamy lead very fulfilling lives without the added stress a long term and potentially lifelong partner can bring.

**References** Monogamy. (n.d.). In Merriam-Webster online. Retrieved from http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/monogamy Monogamy. (2010, March 2). In New World Encyclopedia. Retrieved from [] Fisher, Maryanne. (2011, March 12). Sexual monogamy does not “lead” to happiness. [Web log] //Psychology Today//. Retrieved from [] Oregon State University (2011, January 18). Young couples can't agree on whether they have agreed to be monogamous. //ScienceDaily.// Retrieved from [] Baugh, E. J., & Humphries, D. (2010). //Can We Talk? Improving Couples’ Communication// [PDFdocument]. Retrieved from University of Florida IFAS Extension Web site [] Crooks, R. & Bauer, K. (1996) Communication in sexual behavior. //Our Sexuality//. Retrieved from [] BBC. (n.d). Monogamous. In //Nature Wildlife// (Adaptations and behaviours). Retrieved from [] Lovelyrita. (2010, June 24). Image obtained from [|http://greenanswers.com/q/128465/animals-wildlife/behavior/what-are-some-animals-mate-life] = Jennyleefowler. (n.d.). Custom Silhouette Couple Portrait [Image]. Obtained from [] = Couple in Bed Image obtained from http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_ukqwa9IFmR4/TSWK8qO_UhI/AAAAAAAAAOw/l0i8fW1frT8/s1600/couple-talking-in-bed.jpg]]